Sister, where is the line?

When does a message become pressure? When does concern become control? And what happens when the violence follows us onto our screens?

Sister, let’s talk about something we all do every day: we text, we send voice messages, we share our location, we post pictures, we check whether someone has seen our message.

It feels so normal that we rarely stop to ask ourselves:

Where is the line?

Where does caring end and control begin?

When does asking become demanding?

When does curiosity become surveillance?

And when does silence become a way of making someone feel small?

This is exactly the kind of question that WAVE – Women Against Violence Europe – recently explored during an interactive workshop at Central European University in Vienna. The workshop, Where Is the Line? Reflecting on Digital Behaviour, Boundaries, and Silence Online, looked at the often invisible ways that pressure, control and coercion can enter our digital lives.

And honestly, sister, I think this conversation is long overdue.

“Why didn't you reply?”

Imagine receiving this message:

“Why didn't you reply?”

On its own, it doesn't sound particularly alarming.

Maybe your partner is worried.

Maybe your friend misses you.

Maybe someone simply wants to know what happened.

But now imagine receiving it for the fifth time that day.

Or being expected to answer immediately.

Or having to explain where you were.

Who you were with.

Why you were online but didn't answer.

Why you read the message but didn't respond.

Suddenly, the same sentence feels very different.

This was one of the exercises WAVE used in its workshop. Participants were presented with familiar digital messages such as “Why didn't you reply?” or “Send proof” and asked to respond instinctively. What became clear was that the meaning of a message depends enormously on the context, the relationship and the power dynamics between the people involved.

And that is an important distinction.

Because not every awkward message is abuse.

But we should also stop dismissing uncomfortable digital behaviour simply because “it's only a text”.

Sometimes a text tells you a lot.

“Send me proof.”

Sister, have you ever been asked to prove where you were?

Send a photo.

Send your location.

Show me who you're with.

Take a picture.

Send me a screenshot.

Why are you online?

Who is that person commenting on your post?

Why did you like this?

Why didn't you tell me?

Maybe you have experienced this yourself.

Maybe you have done it to someone else.

Maybe you have accepted it because it was presented as love.

“He just worries about me.”

“She just wants to know I'm safe.”

“It's because he loves me.”

But love doesn't require constant surveillance.

And trust doesn't require evidence every five minutes.

Observe the dynamic

There is a difference between checking in and checking up on someone.

There is a difference between “Let me know you got home safely” and “Send me your location so I can see where you are.”

There is a difference between “I missed you” and “Why were you online and ignoring me?”

The words may sometimes look almost identical.

The dynamic is not.

Your phone can become another place of control.

When we talk about domestic violence, we often imagine what happens behind closed doors.

But our lives don't stop when we leave the house.

And neither does control.

Our phones are with us everywhere.

In our pockets.

On our bedside tables.

Next to us at work.

With us when we go out with friends.

Our digital lives are deeply connected to our physical lives.

That means technology can also be used to monitor, intimidate, harass and control.

WAVE's workshop specifically addressed technology-facilitated violence against women and girls, including online harassment, cyberstalking, non-consensual sharing of intimate images and AI-generated abuse.

And there is something particularly important here:

online violence and offline violence are not two completely separate worlds.

They exist on a continuum.

The abusive message can follow you into your bedroom.

The stalking can make you afraid to leave your house.

The humiliating image can be shared with people you know.

The constant monitoring can make you change what you post, who you talk to and where you go.

In other words, digital harm doesn't stay digital.

It can change the way you live your real life.

The most dangerous boundary may be the one we stop noticing.

This is what worries me most.

Not necessarily the obvious abuse.

The obvious threats are easier to recognise.

It is the little things that can slowly become normal.

You start sharing your location because it makes life easier.

Then it becomes expected.

You answer immediately because otherwise there will be an argument.

You stop posting certain pictures because you know what reaction they will cause.

You don't mention that you are meeting a particular friend because you don't want another interrogation.

You turn off your “last seen” status.

You delete messages.

You become careful about what you say.

You start thinking about how someone else will react before deciding what you want to do.

And eventually, perhaps, you don't even notice that you have changed.

This is what control can look like.

Not always dramatic.

Sometimes it is simply the gradual shrinking of your freedom.

Silence is part of the story too.

WAVE's workshop also explored silencing.

And this really made me think.

Because silence online doesn't only mean someone stops talking.

Sometimes you silence yourself.

You don't comment because you know someone will attack you.

You don't share your opinion because you don't want the messages afterwards.

You don't post a photo because you know somebody will judge your body.

You don't talk about what happened because you don't want to be called dramatic.

You don't say “no” because you don't want to deal with the consequences.

And little by little, your online space becomes smaller.

Your voice becomes smaller.

You become smaller.

Sister, that is worth noticing.

So, where IS the line?

I don't think there is one magical sentence that gives us the answer.

WAVE's workshop deliberately encouraged participants to look at context rather than applying rigid definitions. A message that feels completely harmless in one relationship may feel threatening or controlling in another. The workshop asked participants to identify broader patterns such as surveillance, pressure, control and coercion.

So perhaps instead of asking:

“Is this message abusive?” we should sometimes ask:

“How does this interaction make me feel?”

Do I feel free?

Do I feel respected?

Can I say no?

Can I take my time to answer?

Can I have private conversations?

Can I spend time with friends without being questioned?

Can I change my mind?

Can I disagree?

Can I disappear from my phone for a few hours without being punished?

Can I be myself online?

And perhaps the most important question:

Am I doing this because I want to — or because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't?

That question can tell us a lot.

Your boundaries don't need to be dramatic

We sometimes imagine boundaries as big confrontations.

“Don't ever speak to me like that again!”

But boundaries can be much quieter.

I don't share my location.

I don't send photographs to prove where I am.

I don't answer messages immediately.

I am allowed to have private conversations.

I don't want you checking my phone.

No, I don't want to send that picture.

I'm going out with my friends tonight.

I don't need to explain every minute of my day.

These are not acts of selfishness.

They are ordinary expressions of autonomy.

And if someone repeatedly refuses to respect them, sister, pay attention.

Because a boundary only becomes a boundary when we are allowed to have one.

Let's bring the conversation back to our bodies

There was another aspect of WAVE's workshop that I found particularly interesting: Participants were invited to do a body scan and reflect on how digital experiences are felt physically and emotionally. The session ended with a collective drawing exercise around pressure, silence and visibility.

I love this idea.

Because sometimes our body notices something before our brain has found the words.

That knot in your stomach when his name appears on your screen.

The tension in your shoulders when you see another message asking where you are.

The urge to delete something before someone else sees it.

The exhaustion of constantly monitoring what you say.

The relief when your phone finally stops buzzing.

Maybe your body is telling you something.

Listen to it.

Sister, you don't have to wait until it becomes “serious enough”

This is something I want to say very directly.

You don't have to wait until someone threatens you.

You don't have to wait until they physically hurt you.

You don't have to wait until they break something.

You don't have to wait until you are completely isolated.

You don't have to wait until you can prove to everyone else that something is wrong.

If something repeatedly makes you feel afraid, watched, pressured or controlled, it is worth taking seriously.

And if you are worried about yourself or another woman, don't necessarily confront the person who is behaving abusively. As we discussed in our earlier Tulipane article about discreet signals for domestic violence, intervening in the wrong way can sometimes increase danger. Getting advice from a specialist service can be a much safer first step.

Let's make the digital world a little more human.

Technology isn't the enemy.

Our phones can help us connect, find information, call for help and build communities. Tulipane has even explored some of the digital tools available to women experiencing violence.

The problem is not technology itself.

The question is how we use it.

Can we use technology to connect without controlling?

To communicate without demanding?

To care without monitoring?

To share without violating someone's privacy?

To speak without silencing others?

And can we create online spaces where women don't have to make themselves smaller to feel safe?

I think we can.

But we need to start by talking about the invisible boundaries.

So, sister, the next time you receive a message that makes you uncomfortable, pause before answering.

Don't immediately tell yourself:

“I'm probably overreacting.”

Instead, ask:

What is happening here?

What do I feel?

What do I need?

Is my boundary being respected?

And remember:

You don't owe anyone constant access to you just because you have a phone.

Your time is yours.

Your body is yours.

Your attention is yours.

Your conversations are yours.

Your online life is yours.

And your “no” is still a no — even when it is sent by text.

And what about you, where is the line for you?

Join the conversation on Instagram @tulipanedesign.

Be safe,

Edit

Sources:

WAVE Network (2026) — Where Is the Line? Reflecting on Digital Behaviour, Boundaries, and Silence Online.

Council of Europe / GREVIO (2021) — General Recommendation No. 1 on the digital dimension of violence against women.

Council of Europe (2026) — Recommendation CM/Rec(2026)2 on accountability for technology-facilitated violence against women and girls.

UN Women (2022) — Accelerating efforts to tackle online and technology-facilitated violence against women and girls.

UN Women (2025/26) — FAQs: Digital abuse, trolling, stalking, and other forms of technology-facilitated violence against women and girls.